So, this morning I went into the garage and noticed the attic was wide open. We don’t use it and it’s a heavy panel, so I was freaked out already but trying to play it cool for my kid.
But tell me why my 5yo stared straight into the darkness and said “a man lives there.”
Just a friendly reminder!
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
Netflix and you sit over there.
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
Mike is short for Micycle
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
Has science gone too far?
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
