So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.
I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…
Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!
And I think this is my villain origin story.
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Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
They did not think through this water fountain
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
Yesterday I wore something from 10 years ago that actually fit…It was a scarf but still
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.