Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Morning my dudes.

Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet

Red carpet: I’m so bruised.

I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.

Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.

Holy shit he’s back

*me flirting

Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?

Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?

Therapist: No.

Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?

Me as a detective:

[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]

[evidence catches on fire]

no no no no

if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free

WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?

ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?

Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.

I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.

Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?

hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.

Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.

Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.

ME: i trained this chicken to talk

HER: let’s see

ME: what’s a male deer

CHICKEN: buck

ME: how much is 200 pennies

CHICKEN: buck buck

HER: this sucks

ME: it gets better

CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen

Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.

I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor

Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.

I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.

ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen

When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.

“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”

-guy who invented ketchup packets

acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog

Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.

[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan

I just found a little piece of waffle in my pocket in the event you’re attracted to mysterious men

Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.

Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?

Me: Obviously.

If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.