So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.
I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…
Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!
And I think this is my villain origin story.
You Might Also Like
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!