So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.
I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…
Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!
And I think this is my villain origin story.
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Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
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Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
british sex workers really pound for pound
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
I can’t wait!
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My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day