So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.
I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…
Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!
And I think this is my villain origin story.
You Might Also Like
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
[petting a cat]
Owner: He’s my little fur baby
Me: Oh ok, so you must be his skin mommy
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
if the plane can’t go to the gate, that has nothing to do with me. We landed. I can get out and walk
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.