So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
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You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
Blew my mind.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.