[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
You Might Also Like
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?