So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
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My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
ruining the Olympics for my fiancée by, every time they mention Paris, saying, “that’s where ratatouille lived”
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
there are people who know when to reply all and when not to reply all and none of them work at your company
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
Nobody stretches the definition of “salad” like a Southerner at a summer barbecue
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
Brands during Pride
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
you don’t understand, mom, those are my emotional support boxes of miscellaneous junk that I need to store unopened in your basement for somewhere between 3 and 35 years
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.