Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs

me at a party:

*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
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*go back once more*

6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope

6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet

6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry

6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?

The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.

Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”

fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!

Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see

Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy

I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes

a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.

“What is that the trees outside in the wind?”

– Me in bed, wondering what the sound of my dry crusty feet on my sheets is

the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined

One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.

Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?

Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here

You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.

My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..

white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”

When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said

I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.

And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!

My boss said I’m not allowed to nap at my desk, but apparently I’m not allowed to bring my bed into the office either. Make up your mind!

Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.

Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!

When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.

In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.

i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”

Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level

[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!

Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!

Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either

My favorite type of men is ramen.

People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.

There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle