So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
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Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
Valuable child raising tip from the New York Times
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
September is the best time of year. You can finally turn the AC off and turn the heat on at 7am and turn that off at 10am so you can open a window at noon and close those at 2pm so you can turn the AC back on until 9pm.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
Man, how coked up was the guy that came up with teenage mutant ninja turtles
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
I just move my scale to different parts of the bathroom floor until I like the number.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
Nicole Kidman said WHAT?!
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
Good morning!
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.