So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
You Might Also Like
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.