So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
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Olympics: carry this lit torch across the world
Smokey the bear: o hell no
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
Hey babe, are you my 47th open browser tab, because you are not responding
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock