@pmclellan

So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?

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@jake_likes_naps

The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single

@ArfMeasures

[Me as a boxing commentator]

ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time

@OfficeofSteve

My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes

@AndyAsAdjective

Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.

@Home_Halfway

LAWYER: Can you tell the court where you were the night of the murder

ENGLISH TEACHER: I’m sure I CAN, yes

LAWYER: Ugh. Please tell the court where you were the night of the murder

ENGLISH TEACHER: Much better. I was killing the victim

@pro_worrier_

9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.

Me: That would be a plane.

9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.

Me: So, a helicopter then.

9: No no small like a drone.

Me: …..

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: My computer broke

IT guy: What have you tried so far?

Me: Everything

IT guy:

Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing

@lilplayer809

I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.

@meganamram

In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection

@KrissiBex

Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”

I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone