So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
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Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
6: are snakes just neck?
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom