Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.

*working out*

this is so much worse than i thought

Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.

I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.

It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”

Now I wait.

imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains

*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”

Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?

Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.

Wife: okay no.

Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?

Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.

In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.

[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”

My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.

“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.

vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash

peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*

they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there

The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero

Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”

Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]

Possum: [pops up]

Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]

Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]

Guys you need to work this out.

*water balloon fight at 10 paces*

uncle dave has been through hell

If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten

My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…

I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.

I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair

If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍

I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.

If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.

Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka

-Poem about the food pyramid

This recipe takes only 30 minutes.

3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.

I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away

Little Red: I’m going to grandmas

Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy

Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?

Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun