Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?

Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.

I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.

Me: kill me now!

Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you

[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?

My zodiac sign is pistachio

Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.

That explains why they date women
half their age.

The plot thickens.

Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.

ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely

Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.

Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.

Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit

I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.

The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.

I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?

I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit

Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale

Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?

Me- Wished I was an adult

I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.

Then I saw her arguing with him about money.

Now I see Santa drinking by himself.

“I bumped into your wife yesterday”

“Oh, where?”

“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”

“Yes”

“Opposite that café”

*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM

me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*

guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you

[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect

When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.

man found with dozens of heads in his trunk during routine traffic stop

A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop

they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane

I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.