So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
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How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
It’s not a question of when will my daughter say mommy, it’s a question of when won’t she
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
Blocked everyone who wouldn’t be invited to my funeral so if you see this, what dish are you bringing to the wake?
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
#dalle2
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
This is so wrong 😂
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.