So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
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DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
oh youre into retro physical media and urban exploration? enjoy getting killed by a japanese ghost while im playing black ops 6 in my unhaunted house, idiot
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*