So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
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[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
It was a drink directly from the bottle kind of day
Opens the bottle of hot sauce
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
Oh good, I was hoping for a terrifying, fungus-related dystopian nightmare today
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
Them: what kind of friend are you?
Me: idk Phoebe maybe
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???