Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want

Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die

Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.

Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark

My grandparents have been married for 62 years. When I asked them what was their secret to such a long marriage, my grandmother said God is punishing her

Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away

doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …

Me: give it to me straight doc what is it

doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password

Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.

Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.

cow: I hate when you boss me around

farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?

cow: you herd me

I have a type: disappointing

Your honor, I was only doing a facepalm and his face got in the way of my face.

[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badly

ME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex

DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?

ME: Haha of course that’s

BARISTA: Latte for Rachel

ME: not true, Rachel

DATE: That’s not mine

ME: DAMN IT

here is what. i plan to accomplish today:

2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat

I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂

The kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were pretty dumb if they couldn’t figure out that their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time

“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken

Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.

me: you guys sell gift cards?

funeral parlor director: what?

fedex guy: here’s your package

me: thanks

fedex guy: sign please

me: [blushing] Pisces

interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily

me: yes

interviewer: yes what

me: yes please

You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.

Man sits by me on train.
MAN: Loads of psychopaths around here
ME: Really?
MAN: Loads mate
ME: How’d you know?
MAN: There’s signs aren’t there?
ME: I guess?
MAN: I love them
(47 minutes of awkward silence.)
Man leaves train, he has a bike. I realise he was saying ‘cycle paths’.

Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.

So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.

Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.

If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.

AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.

true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”

“Go ahead caller”

Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…