I convinced my husband to start going to the gym, and now he’s all in shape and looking hot!!
So… any takers?
So today I was lookin at a girl bcuz she had a piece of lettuce in her hair & she looks at me and said “I have a boyfriend” ok lettuce head
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My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
If Billy Joel rewrote We Didn’t Start The Fire based on the past 2 weeks, it would be 45 minutes long.
cow: where does milk come from?
milk man: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
me: ridiculously wide sunglasses
shark 1: i’m out
shark 2: i’m out
hammerhead shark: i’m listening
Mother Superior: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: *putting down Sister Agatha* Sorry, Reverend Mother
The past is past.
What’s done is done.
Mistakes were made, but that’s all water under the bridge. So, let’s call it a day.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
“He’s still sleeping.”
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.