So today I was lookin at a girl bcuz she had a piece of lettuce in her hair & she looks at me and said “I have a boyfriend” ok lettuce head

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The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”


I always take my dates straight to the movies after dinner. That way she doesn’t have the chance to ask me why I eat soup with my hands.


You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.


We’re probably like 10 years away from ppl running for president strictly for more Twitter followers


Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.


Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this


Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.


Murder hornets? Well, it sounds like a welcome distraction, honestly. Let’s do it.


ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.