So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
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I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
My hot flashes are so bad, I’m not allowed to go anywhere near Greenland.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
Podcasts are like having real friends. This is insulting to your actual friends, but they brought that on themselves.
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
Today is International “Hug Your Cat” day. Which means tomorrow is International “Band-aid and Neosporin” day.