So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
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“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
Laser tag makes me realize how quickly I will die in the laser wars
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
My neighbor’s kid said hi but I couldn’t think of his name and said “Hi son of John” like some biblical dude
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.