So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
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Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
Y’all ready for this
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?