So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
You Might Also Like
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..