Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on

*First day as a fire investigator*

Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down

Woman: Have you ruled out arson?

Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No

I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes

[dog training]

Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…

Dog: *sits there*

Me: What’s wrong, boy?

Dog: *hands me Purell*

[spelling bee]

judge: your word is “redacted”

me: ████████

judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct

[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]

EARTH: yo

GOD: what?

EARTH: send nudes

GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*

EARTH: nice

when dads have a rap battle

Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.

Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.

[Surprise party for girlfriend]

Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*

GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?

Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”

If Donald Trump becomes President,

The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors

1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!

waiter: did you enjoy your meal

me: honestly not really

waiter: yeah your meal sucked. why would you order that. back in the kitchen we were all like why the hell did he order this. it was hilarious. jesus christ man. gotta be one of the worst orders ever

“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.

[Speed dating]

Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!

I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.

I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.

Kidney stones? Hard pass

Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”

If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.

Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”

[confession booth]

ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes

PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this

ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share

PRIEST: you forgot pride

ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this

Mornin

4-year-old: Can I have some floss?

Me: You’re too little

4: But I really, really need it

Me: Fine. *gives her floss*

4:*ties up Barbies*

You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8

Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.

accurate

Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?

A social media post so confusing you turn your music down to read it.