So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
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All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
😆this is so true
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
all that yoga finally paid off
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
Your 20s are for fucking up & figuring yourself out. Except for me, who should have had every single minute detail of my future plans set in stone the second I stopped being a teenager.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.