So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
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If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?