Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.

I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!

my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no

I’m sorry but every time I see the words “Lord Pickles” I think they’re talking about a very fancy cat.

*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*

Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo

You ever go to a baseball game and hear a guy yelling, “hotdogs! hotdogs!” over and over again?

That’s me, looking for hotdogs.

Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.

People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.

It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.

(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)

Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”

Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.

I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.

I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.

Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.

whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”

behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”

Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?

If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away

If snakes were wide

I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.

i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad

This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!

Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?

Walmart after hours
Walmart after dark

Almost anything…

The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other

How to find out if you old.

(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.

{first date}

Him: I’m 100% Italian.

*trying to impress him*

Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone

Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.

What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?

I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.

When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.

The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems

Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.