So true for me
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My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
oh you like architecture? name three walls
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Michael Jackson didn’t have his first hit single until he was 11.
Eddie Murphy didn’t get cast on SNL until was 19.
Steven Spielberg didn’t make Jaws until he was 27.
You’re never too old to follow your dreams.
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second