So true for me
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If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
“Don’t forget Romans and countrymen!”
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
My 4yo is in a know-it-all phase where every time he asks a question he prefaces by saying “I already know this but can you remind me…” I told him there was a guy named Plato who said we’re born knowing everything and merely rediscover things, and he said “yeah I knew that”
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.