Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.

*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*

My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.

I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?

jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.

– looking for shells on the north pole beach

Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.

Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.

You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.

my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”

So why is it that when Star Trek ‘boldly go where no one has gone before’ they always find someone there?

Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.

Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.

2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*

1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself

[on the phone]

Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem

Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.

My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.

Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED

*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*

I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.

I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.

🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵

Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”

My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga

Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.

Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?

Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.

Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money

My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.

On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.

No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.

I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.

Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?

Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?

Deacon: How do you feel about knives?

If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.

[Restaurant]

Date: I like guys who plan ahead

Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after