Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”

If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever

When I’m driving past a middle lane hogger, I can’t help but take a good look at the driver, as part of my extensive research into what really annoying people look like

me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously

personal trainer: *just glares*

best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!

I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.

I notice you only call when you want something

Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due

I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.

Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?

Me: Word

What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?

My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.

I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.

If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.

A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.

rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.

І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.

“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”

— Centipede parents

told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately

it’s finally my moment to shine

Her: is it in yet

Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me

can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.

I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”

I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.

Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way

I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.

Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.

If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.

Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way

As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….

ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not