Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.

This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣

I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.

Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’

Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.

Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm

Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!

I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.

We couldn’t come up with anything better than “open-face” to describe a sandwich without a top? Open-face is what happens when you encounter a bear in the woods.

ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!

METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?

ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man

ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*

reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week

me: *vacuums a little faster*

A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler

i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles

I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.

[What I think he saw]

Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.

[What he actually saw]

Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.

Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.

Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave

9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?

Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.

Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.

Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”

Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now

Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?

A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.

3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦

My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.

My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.

my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?

*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.

Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.

A guy in the parking lot saw me trip over my own feet so I yelled to him “I just quantum leaped into this body!”

The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles

[during sex]

her: hurt me

me: there’s only one season of firefly

Oh my God. Where are you?

Car keys: LMFAO

We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂

Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage