“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
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Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
Harsh but fair
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
What in the hipster hell is going on here
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.