So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
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Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
#Caturday
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
Ladies, why y’all do this?
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view