So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
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Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
I’m at BJs if anyone needs 500 tampons, a vat of mayonnaise, or a gazebo hmu.
Coughing so much that next doors dog has started barking back at me. Best conversation all day
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
ATMs be having $4 withdrawal fees talking about “cover your pin” mf you the thief
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
The A string on my guit_r is flat
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
where do you see yourself in five years?
