So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
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What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
why is being alive so expensive. I’m not even having a good time.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps