So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
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Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
Airbnb host reported me for having my friend over so I reported her for having an undisclosed ring camera … we’re having a report
‘I know a black person’
– White people
me: it would be nice if everyone else helped clean this house once in awhile!
everyone else: [cleans]
me: not like that
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into first day of school: Everyone has Ebola.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.