So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
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Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
Before Fatboy Slim was an international DJ he was a chef for William the Conqueror.
He was a Norman Cook.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
no exceptions
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
What about second breakfast?
I’ve lost countless hours of my life simply squishing peoples heads with my fingers as they walk by
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.