So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
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me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
Plumber: I think I found the problem
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
Kids are like magicians cause they make all the cups and chargers disappear.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work