so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
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She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
who can I pay to hit me in the head with a baseball bat so I go into a coma for exactly 2 weeks and one day
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
Five minutes before my break:
“Hi, I need some computer help. I need to sign into this website but to do that I need to get into my email and I don’t know any of the passwords and also I lost my phone but I assume that won’t be a problem.”
“Friday the 13th sent you, didn’t it?”
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.