Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.

Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.

being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old

First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.

me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]

guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy

[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.

*At the local breakfast restaurant

Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?

Me: Reese’s

to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂

to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂

11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.

He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.

every movie should have a part where it flashes MEANWHILE ON SKULL ISLAND and they show us what king kong up to

Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.

GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!

How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:

1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items

friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?

wife: we think it’s-

me: snakes. we think it’s snakes

Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.

Follow me for more relationship advice.

… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.

Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?

If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.

Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it

Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.

They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.

*crashes vehicle*

“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”

*dies smiling*

my cat: I’d like to go out

me: ok

my cat’s tail: not me tho

Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]

My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that

If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.

lots of war chat today so it is time to remind everyone that you did not in fact fight in world war 2, that was a film you saw

i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon

Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.

Time for evil

This dudes dogs 😁battle cry

Cop: “Do you know how fast you were going?”

Me: “Officer, I’m focused on the future.”