So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
You Might Also Like
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
A doctor, a nurse and myself inspecting a patient
Doctor: The symptoms don’t make sense.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like this before
Me: I don’t even have a guess
Patient: Oh God what am I supposed to tell my family then?
Me: Tell them that women find you fascinating?
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
9yo: what kind of place is Centerfolds?
me: um, I think it’s a place to practice, like, folding stuff.
9yo: like clothes?
me: no they don’t have clothes there.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.