So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
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Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
Papa Bear: this is the best porridge ever? What’s the secret ingredient?
Mama Bear: remember that whiny brat that kept complaining about the temperature?
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane