So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
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Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
A lot can be said about the difference between a Guy and a Man
Someone known colloquially as the Noodle Guy could probably tell you about all sorts of different pasta shapes and what sauces pair with them
But The Noodle Man is someone known to authorities
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
@ candidates for local office