Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me, on a business trip calling my kids on my last night: how was your day?

6: it was good, but tomorrow is going to be great!

me: aw, because I’m coming home?

6: because it’s “dress like a winter animal day”

*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.

It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.

Waiter: Ready to order?

Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.

Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.

and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.

grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there

They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.

Like that’s going to dissuade me.

An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re low on eyes.

Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples

My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.

[1 MINUTE LATER]

My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…

when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”

my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive

me: yeah i guess so

my enemy, ted: want to play a game

No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries

3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once

My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture

tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell

Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.

Me: *in the dentist chair*

Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.

Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.

Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.

At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.

(Trump rally)

Trump: I’ll take questions now.

Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?

Trump: More water.

Crowd: *cheers wildly*

Ever wonder when birds fly in a V, why is one side is longer?

Because there are more birds on that side

Christians will say, “I can’t wait to get to Heaven,” and then wear a seatbelt. Y’all pick a lane

*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME

Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.

The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.

i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”

Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.

*first date*

Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.

Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.

Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”