Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff

Good morning all 👋 have a good one 🙏👌

God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.

Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie

When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.

just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man

Me: I thought you were going to read.

10-year-old: I am.

Me: You’re watching a movie.

10: I got it from the library.

Checkmate.

I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.

Them: Good morning
Me: Where?

I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.

But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.

I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.

Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?

Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?

capitalism is charging someone $200 after they die

I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?

My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child

I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.

I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.

Shazam but for the name of the person who literally just introduced themself to me

I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH

If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.

‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’

– Christian Rock

Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.

Me: Okay. *starts running*

*halley’s comet goes by*

*trainer dies of old age*

*halley’s comet passes again*

*the sun dies*

*final episode of the simpsons airs*

Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!

When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids

Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for

Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law

Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.

Her: OMG I love The Rock.

Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?

for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”

Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems

Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now

Lucky for them, they’re cute

My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring

The absolute injustice of being asked to come and take away the boxes of junk that you’ve been storing at your parents’ house for 20 years.