So wait, witch. You’re telling me I should only drive a stick?
OK Broomer
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Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
if you have never had a true email job, you might think – “it’s an email job, surely that means everyone at least checks their email and replies somewhat promptly when needed” but you would be stunned, stunned I say, to find the truth
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
The worst part of all-you-can-eat buffets are all the witnesses
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.