So wait, witch. You’re telling me I should only drive a stick?
OK Broomer
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wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
A mosquito bit me and now it’s gotten a DUI and an intervention