So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
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I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
Airbnb host reported me for having my friend over so I reported her for having an undisclosed ring camera … we’re having a report
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate