So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
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I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
Dear Satan…
For Christmas I want a cure for my dyslexia.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
Thank you corporation very cool
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
Spell check is for lasers.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
the most incredible thing about James Bond is the way he can walk into any hotel room and immediately know how to use the shower