So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
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TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
Stop.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
Most people in your life will come and go but occasionally you’ll meet someone really special who makes you contemplate murder.
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
Walking home and massively drunk after a rubbish party, my life not the best it’s ever been, when a dog barked at me from someone’s garden, I barked back and ended up in a blazing row with it, all in dog language. God knows what its owners must’ve thought.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
*aggressively waits in line*
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.