So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
You Might Also Like
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
I’m so smart, I got rid of cable and now I only have $638 in monthly streaming services
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
Lady, if you have five nearsighted kids the same age then you probably have bigger problems than me calling them “squintuplets”
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
there’s probably a fee though
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers