So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
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Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
google ai LOVES to step in when it sees “vs” and will try its hardest to compare whatever you throw at it
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
I can’t prove he’s involved (yet), but my 3yo has been obsessing over tow trucks for weeks and today we blew a tire 🧐 on nothing 🧐 for no reason 🧐
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
My toddler learned to say COWBOY over the weekend and now every conversation is like this:
Me: would you like some milk to drink?
Toddler: no! Cowboy!
Me: I’m sorry. Would the cowboy like some milk?
Toddler: 🤠 yes 🤠
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
why is john fetterman calling brian williams from the blair witch corner
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?