Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.

My son can not believe he graduated from kindergarten & he still gotta go back to school😂😂😂he thought that shit was over

*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers

You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.

I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …

Me: time to be better with my finances

Them: you could stop buying things

Me: not like that

no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside

[rubs lamp]

[genie appears]

genie: you have three—

me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!

genie: seconds

me: what

genie: two

me: until what

genie (pulling out a gun): one

If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.

If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old

Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?

Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?

Librarian : They’re right behind you.

Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.

I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..

DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight

It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.

Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand

Ostracized? Buddy, why would I want to be turned into a bird that can’t fly?

I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”

I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.

I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.

Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other

Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”

I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.

snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me

me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—

snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*

[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!

Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*

GF: What are you doing?

Me: Making myself look big

Bear: Well hi

Boss: Where were you on Friday?

Me: It was a holiday.

Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!

Me: It is if you go as Christmas.

Boss:…

I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.

had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before