So we got a goldfish…
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The real reason why they don’t make affordable jet packs for people is because they might start sky fights.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
Him: I’m a vegetarian
Me, holding a fork and licking my lips: I’m a humanitarian
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
Living every minute with impostor syndrome anxiety, dreading the day the other librarians discover I don’t have any cats or any cardigans.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
what do you want
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”