So we got a goldfish…
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“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
Twitter showing me Versace ads like I didn’t just bring a cheese slice in my purse to Five Guys so I wouldn’t have to pay extra for it.
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
Put my back out twerking in the library again
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
happy 100th birthday caesar salad!! may we all celebrate this day by stabbing a politician
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.