Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.

Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.

[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right

can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.

I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.

Now it’s syncing.

#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.

FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge

ME: ok

[later]

WAITER: [to date] Ready to-

ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?

I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk

17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*

Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*

do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there

johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp

Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.

her: and what do you do?

me: I’m a mail escort

postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!

One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together

Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.

Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.

Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.

*House Hunters

“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”

My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it

– me flirting

Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.

Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻

Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right

Guy on subway: what

Me: what

Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again

Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.

Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.

Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.

I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.

i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot

[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]

Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, how

Normal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why

me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top

*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*