So we got a goldfish…
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Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
Omg 🤣
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
imagine getting destroyed like this
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer