Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Being a dog must be wild, everyone you meet is your masseuse

I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir

american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere

Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please

*first day as a firefighter*

I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire

I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻‍♂️

Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight

My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?

9yo: have you heard the song “I like big butts and I cannot lie”?

me: yes, but that song is inappropriate.

9yo: oh… so I should lie?

my only contribution to the “parental sleep deprivation isn’t that bad” discourse is that I have averaged less than 5 hours of sleep per night my entire life due to a gene mutation and my parents both deserve medals for not simply putting me in the garbage

when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1

Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving

[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass

My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.

Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?

Cop:

Me:

Cop: Speeding

Me: Oh phew!

[around a campfire]

Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?

Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…

[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys

i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER

I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2

Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers

Woman: you mean he’s

Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care

*reaches for the stars*

Stars: I have a boyfriend

Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.

Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.

You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?

Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.

Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you

U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said

My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.

*FINALLY gets truck washed*

*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*

If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.

The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.