so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
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I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
Free him
Check out the legs on this baby
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
I hate everyone in front of me at this checkout line, everyone behind me is cool.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
Telling my boss I wasn’t drunk at work really backfired. I probably should have waited until he asked.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
ME (calling my horse with no name):
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*