So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
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My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
My dog burst through the screen door yesterday so I’m dressing her up as the Kool-Aid man for Halloween.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.