So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
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My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
Me, a math teacher writing a problem on the board: who can solve this
Student, slowly raising hand: it just says who has a hot, single dad
Sorry not sorry.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
I’m reading a podiatrist handbook. All it contains is footnotes
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
So many people out there need a grilled cheese cut diagonal and ten thousand dollars cash right now
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
We were walking out of Costco when we saw this baby eat the receipt before they got out. The mom’s look was just like, oh no
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”