So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
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bears
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
My wife texted me asking which rug would look best with our floors so now I’m frantically scrolling through her old texts hoping that at some point she’s texted pictures of what our floors look like.
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
We’re possibly the most untrustworthy nation due to our inability to control our politeness.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room