Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*

Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about

I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.

All I did was tell my boss that, according to legend, I double in size when there’s a full moon… and I was sacked for growth myth conduct.

I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.

Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.

me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏

* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…

People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole

So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ

Very proud of my HOA community. A Karen took a picture of home & posted it to the community FB group saying she didn’t like the color they painted it & she shouldn’t be forced to look at it, was reporting it to the HOA. Everyone banded together to criticize her & now she’s moving

How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?

Green tea reduces weight*

*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.

Me: You want me to wear a rubber?

Her: ideally, you’ll wear two for extra protection.

Me: But I like to be able to feel the dishes as I wash them

[Patient room]

ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell

Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok

My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.

As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.

*at funeral*

Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.

I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.

When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”

I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.

I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.

When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house

“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand

I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.

But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.

me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith

No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.

Every night at bedtime I do one small ritual: six hours on my cell phone

Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.