So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
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For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
Chemical wingman
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
mom had nothing to worry about
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job