So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
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“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
cigarette breaks used to be a great excuse to step away when I felt overwhelmed in social settings until I quit. now I try to get some space and people are like WHERE ARE YOU GOING and I’m like idk I just like to be away from you more often than this
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
when unicorns get really drunk
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.