@WilliamAder

So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.

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@murrman5

“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it

@samalmightysam

-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– ๐Ÿ™‚ Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.

@BriAnneHolthaus

i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.

@aka_fatman

“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”

– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.

@Staggfilms

Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?

@TheBoydP

Top Seven Things Men Donโ€™t See Coming:

7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That

@mrnickharvey

Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.

@Reverend_Scott

Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.

Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.