So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
You Might Also Like
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying