@WilliamAder

So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.

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@Divergentmama

Just when I thought my house couldnt smell any worse, my daughter has decided to have deviled eggs for lunch every day. Pray for us.

@DrakeGatsby

[Fancy Restaurant]

Host: May I take the lady’s coat?

Me: Please.

Host: And yours sir?

Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.

@kateashlynryan

🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands

@jctwritesstuff

So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.

@Staggfilms

Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering

#BatmanvSuperman

@Gooooats

Me: I love you.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …
Me: tah. I love Utah. So many national parks.

@dumbbeezie

A good way to keep a secret from me is to leave it on my voicemail

@Sean_Burgundy_

Imagine how much faster Olympic sprinters could run if they saw their wives going through their phones at the finish line

@jwoodham

Forrest Gump ran for 3 years, 2 months, and 14 days, which is approximately 3 years, 2 months, and 14 days longer than I’ve ever run.

@Hurly_Burly

Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?