So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
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Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
outlook just asked me if i’m “enjoying” microsoft outlook. as if it is not the Torment Portal
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
When I laugh on my period
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
If there are ladies out there into bad boys, look no further. I’m now watching a show despite it being for mature audiences only.