So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
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“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Telling my car to speak English when a dashboard light comes on.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
Breakfast for Stoners:
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
There should be something just for fun on the ballot, like voting for the best flavor of ice cream . I think that would get a lot of people really excited to get involved
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower