So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
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I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.