So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
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*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
Every time I take out a sleeve of saltines, my dog suddenly awakens from her deep sleep and I gotta show her one so she can be like “oh yeah lol fuck that” and go right back to sleep
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
if your best friend is whoever wishes you happy birthday first, mine is a dentist’s office i went to once 7 years ago
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
I was at the post office and someone at the back of the line said “do you mind if I skip to the front? I just need to mail a package” and the bravest man in the world said “do you think we’re all here for fun?”
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
