So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
You Might Also Like
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
People are always saying “not today, Satan” but what if we just hear him out
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.