So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
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Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
The internet is magic sometimes.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
The Universe can have my atoms back.
I don’t want them anymore.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
