So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
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There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
“We will wed,” I threatened
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
happy friday
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.
I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…
Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!
And I think this is my villain origin story.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.