So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
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Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
My first day of student teaching my pants zipper broke. I stapled that bad boy shut… carefully.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
the lady who waxes my eyebrows asked me what my favorite local hot dog places are and i got so animated she had to stop working for a second
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”